Well, another "anniversary" has passed and we survived.
We do everything to take our minds off of it. It doesn't work.
It's the elephant in the room. It's actually the elephant in the room standing directly on our chests keeping us from taking a single full breath all day.
I make certain to not look at a calendar or anything that says AUGUST 18 all day. I hate August. I hate the number 18. I HATE 2005.
For the first year after Scott died, I couldn't understand how life went on. I drove in my car looking at different people wishing for their troubles. The first week I remember looking at people eating in restaurants and going to movies and wondered HOW COULD THEY?!?!??!! Didn't they know what I was going through? I didn't know how the world hadn't stopped.
I felt like this poem:
W. H. Auden
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
It's now 2 years later and I still sleep with the TV on, so I don't wake up without sound. I still have a phobia of answering the phone (waiting for the next bit of bad news). I'm never feel completely at ease if Dan or the kids aren't with me. I've become a worrier. I can't look at my parents without feeling sad. I can't look at a picture of Scott without averting my eyes quickly. I can't think about my childhood anymore. I can't look at photos before August 2005 without thinking "We had no idea what was about to happen to us." I can't ever be the person I was before.
NOW with all that being said, I have learned some very important lessons that I otherwise wouldn't have.
I know that I HAVE to live the life I want NOW... tomorrow is promised to no one. I have learned to get rid of the drama. I have learned to love Dan more than I could ever could have imagined was possible and let him know that daily. I have learned that screaming at my children is not how I want to be remembered. I have learned that I have good friends. I have learned that kindness is never forgotten and is the most important quality a person can have. I have learned that I want to be remembered amongst my friends as being kind.
I have learned that life goes on...